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Mark Morford, Columnist

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Morford, Mark. "Paula Deen ate my teenage daughter" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 25 Jan. 2012. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Watch for it, right after Celebrity Chef Apprentice Kitchen Torture Knife Gastric Band Restaurant Hell."
Morford, Mark. "Paula Deen ate my teenage daughter" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 25 Jan. 2012. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"In related news, a new study reveals that fully half of teenage moms have no idea how birth control, or their own bodies, actually work."
Morford, Mark. "Paula Deen ate my teenage daughter" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 25 Jan. 2012. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Inspiring! Edifying! There's even a "so boring it's mesmerizing" live web cam set up in the secret room where the Government Accountability Board is tallying and verifying the signatures."
Morford, Mark. "Hot death of a perfect clock radio." sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 23 Nov. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Have I got an opportunity for you. Behold, here is my beloved Boston Acoustics clock radio, called the Recepter."
Morford, Mark. "Hot death of a perfect clock radio." sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 23 Nov. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"I'd hate to just throw it away. Besides, I just know there's someone out there who will covet this exact combination."
Morford, Mark. "Hot death of a perfect clock radio." sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 23 Nov. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Oh, it's all such a waste. Such a disposable culture we live in."
Morford, Mark. "Oh My God please don't eat this" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 1 Feb. 2012. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Can't you see it's made of chemicals and fat and dead, lost dreams?"
Morford, Mark. "Oh My God please don't eat this" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 1 Feb. 2012. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"What am I, a millennial teen with a spasming colon and zero understanding of what actually constitutes food?"
Morford, Mark. "Oh My God please don't eat this" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 1 Feb. 2012. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Do you know what sort of miracles happen when you dial yourself, your heart, your taste buds away from the poisons of the popular culture? What happens when you clear your system of such ticks and leeches and rabid malevolence? Miracles, I tell you. Unimaginable joys. Energy transforms. Air feels better. Things taste better. Wine. Sex. Organic food. The world. Your lover. Trust me."
Morford, Mark. "Dead Men sell no heretical IPhones." sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 21 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"We cry out, mostly seriously and only semi drunkenly, "Who is the next Steve Jobs? Where will we find another of the notorious intellectual fire of Chris Hitchens? What of someone precious and rare like the humble revolutionary Vaclav Havel?" On it goes."
Morford, Mark. "Dead Men sell no heretical IPhones." sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 21 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Who has the nerve, the vision, the fanatical design zeal, with the power to match? Zuckerberg? The Google boys? Zynga?"
Morford, Mark. "Dead Men sell no heretical IPhones." sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 21 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Math skills are embarrassingly low, science is being deserted, high school and college graduation rates have plummeted."
Morford, Mark. "Please Text me your naked email URL" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 7 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Or maybe I should do the least common, most archaic thing of all, something with which the next generation apparently has almost zero skill and hence which might just spell the end of civilization as we know it, and pick up the damn phone?"
Morford, Mark. "Please Text me your naked email URL" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 7 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Every communication option has a particular tone and a tang, its own feel and subtle meaning."
Morford, Mark. "Please Text me your naked email URL" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 7 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Turns out none of those was true."
Morford, Mark. "Screaming Doom Fetus saves Christmas" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 14 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"Metal's writers, fans, the band members themselves?"
Morford, Mark. "Screaming Doom Fetus saves Christmas" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 14 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"It's all awesome and fine when, lo and behold, suddenly I feel like ripping off my skin with a small Kitchen Aide hand blender while simultaneously consuming the rotting corpse of a burning goat in the screaming dungeon of my eternal blood-drenched nightmare."
Morford, Mark. "Screaming Doom Fetus saves Christmas" sfgate.com. San Francisco Chronicle, 14 Dec. 2011. Web. 7 Feb. 2012.
"After all, I imagine it's nearly impossible to survive for long in such an absurd, face-bludgeoning metal universe without healthy sense of self-deprecation."

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